Embarrassingly, it's been about a year and a half since I last wrote anything here. So much has happened, good and bad, anticipated and unexpected. Just when you think life levels out and there isn't a crisis on the horizon, one appears and you either lose your mind or you adjust, adapt, and overcome. That's been our life for five years now.
It's pleasantly boring now. We have come through the storms stronger and wiser. We have unloaded useless and destructive baggage from our lives, both people and possessions. We own a house, a sweet, lovely little house. Perfect for us. Small, but less for me to clean. My girls are grown. One will be 28 and is a nurse. Where did those years go? My sweet little Faff is now a nurse. Slings and arrows have bounced off us both, hearts broken and respect sought, but we're good now. My baby, Ali, is 13 and taller than I am. Hysterically funny, smart, the most loving, giving creature God put breath into.
My sweet husband. The warrior. He's come through hell's fires and stood on the other side and laughed at the enemy with his hand in God's. It's been a rough road. Losing a leg. Blindness. What man am I? Questions, worries, doubts, joy, laughter, tears, prayers. Had we known that a scratch on the leg from a blackberry bush would leave him fighting for his life in ICU, two bouts of sepsis, Charcot foot.....amputation.....had we known the outcome would we have said, "Yes, we will carry this and whatever else you give us?" If we had the chance? I can't answer for him. Myself, I wouldn't trade the wisdom gained for anything in the world.
Some days are still a struggle. Others are such a joy to go through. I am learning to be in the moment, rather than looking days and months ahead. Taking the time to sit down and just listen to life going on around me. Mercifully, my planner has fewer and fewer doctor appointments in it. I have had to learn to make the time to do things with my family that aren't planned around doctor appointments. We are learning to live a new way of life, and it's good. It isn't perfect, but it's perfectly good, for us.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Memorial Day 2016
This last week, the week leading up to Memorial Day, of all
weeks he could have visited, Obama toured Japan and made his usual tasteless
and degrading remarks about the United States and how we have conducted
ourselves throughout our history in the world's stage. If you are a
Bible-believing Christian, you know that the United States does not appear to
be mentioned in the book of Revelation. It is a foregone conclusion that the
shining nation that led the world for centuries now is tarnished and the light
is dimmed. This is happening according to God's own word. I see people every
single day worrying and whining themselves into a lather about restoring the US
to what it once was, and that simply cannot and will not happen. The Bible
foretold, thousands of years ago, what must happen, and it is happening, to the
letter. I'm sorry if this harshes your mellow, but read your Bible. It's all
there. America has been a wonderful, beautiful country and has blessed countless
millions of people, both those that have lived here in America, and those around
the world. We are right to celebrate and
commemorate the military men and women that have fought and died to keep us
free. But America, as a nation, is
quickly disintegrating and I’m sorry for this to be our reality, but there is
nothing we can do to save it. Only those
of us blessed enough to call ourselves Americans can be saved. Why is our beloved country quickly disappearing
from the world as we knew it?
God never intended us to fall in love with our country. He
wished for us all to fall in love with HIM and then watch what goodness and
blessing would follow. Sadly, the gift of free will led many to seek the gloss
and glimmer of this world and its leader, the enemy, and we now see before us
every day what that has given to us as a nation:
Hedonism and sexual promiscuity. Watch one night of
television or streaming shows online and sex is usually the storyline with
other situations tossed in to keep a show from being nothing more than 60
minutes of pure porn. What was designed
by God to allow us to procreate and enjoy the intimacy of the marital bed (I
know, I sound like Dana Carvey’s Church Lady and yes, I laughed at her myself
back in the day but now I understand. I’m
more like her than I’m like the person that laughed at her all those years ago
and I apologize to no one for that. I’m
proud of it.) is now used as a tool in story lines where, really, there is no
story line for it, it’s just thrown in as an afterthought. Teenage promiscuity, marital infidelity,
spousal abuse, the marital bed and the institution of marriage are the true
victims here, of an influence by the darkness of this world to cheapen a gift
from God to us. We lead the world in televised smut. Congrats.
Fifty-seven million babies ripped apart in the womb to be
discarded into garbage bags and off to the incinerator, all in the name of
"choice", another word that allows women to escape the responsibility
of keeping their legs closed and escaping the biblical desire of men and women
honoring the marital bed and honoring sex as a gift from Him for marriage. Margaret
Sanger, a disgusting woman who embraced the teachings of eugenics, or “sanitizing”
the races--eliminating “dirty” races, such as blacks and Jews--formed Planned
Parenthood (along with supporters in her beliefs such as Katharine Hepburn’s
parents, strident Marxists). Planned
Parenthood is the American equivalent of Molech, the god of child
sacrifice.
Men lusting after men, and women trading natural affections
for men towards other women. These acts are an abomination in the eyes of God,
yet they insist that He made them this way. Why would He make you in such a way
that is clearly stated is an abomination in His own eyes? God does NOT
contradict Himself, yet they insist that He does, that they would live a life
pleasing to themselves and not Him. Homosexuality is a deception created by the
master of all lies, Satan. In every
state in the country now same-sex marriage is allowed. The LGBTQ screamers, a MINISCULE portion of
our society, has destroyed livelihoods and families with their rabid insistence
that we accept their lifestyle choices and if you dare to stand up to them and
assert your faith, you’re hate-filled, evil, intolerant, mean-spirited, and
unholy because doesn’t your God tell us that we need to love one another? We can love one another all day long. Doesn’t mean I HAVE to agree with or approve
of your choices.
This group of less than 1% of the population that live under
a spirit of deception are doing all they can in their power to try and
manipulate the rest of us into accepting and living with THEIR choice. We are
living under THEIR threat of destroying livelihoods, families, any form of
decency, and sometimes, lives, all so that THEY can live a life in direct
opposition to God's word. They are the ones living in direct opposition to
God's word, yet we are the ones punished as I set out above unless we acquiesce
to THEIR demands. It doesn't matter that we ALL have First Amendment rights
under our Constitution. THEY are the only ones allowed to speak their
"truth" and if we speak ours, we are arrested, jailed, bullied, and
destroyed for standing up for ours. The tolerance is there but only if we drink
THEIR Kool-Aid and believe their lies.
Our police forces, nationwide, are now living in a state of
heightened awareness, understanding that securing the badge to their uniform
could mean they end up in a body bag at the end of the day. Our first
responders live with a target on their backs and/or heads, with thugs and trash
roaming our streets abusing anyone and everyone they can, destroying all that
lies in their sight, with the assurance that should they be caught and
incarcerated, the liberal mainstream media will come to their rescue and
eviscerate the police that arrested them. The general public is now not only in
danger from criminals, we are now equally in danger of the press that devotedly
stand in the corner of the very criminals that are being strengthened by the
deafening silence that flows from our Department of Justice and the White
House. When the president has a bestie that once bombed a police station, whose
only regret was that more police weren't killed, do we really expect him to
stand in front of a television camera to decry the brutality of the criminal
element in this nation? For years our borders have been slowly and quietly dissolved,
allowing a world-wide criminal element to pour into our land, a criminal
element that makes the current residential scum on our streets look like extras
from Sesame Street. I promise you, the deafening silence you hear now is only
getting louder and louder. You're now on your own when it comes to protecting
you and yours and the police are restrained from doing anything to help you. And if you do protect yourself and your
family by exercising your Second Amendment rights, you are faced with lawsuits
filed by the family members of the deceased thug or you face arrest and jail by
a zealous, ignorant police chief looking to slobber all over the behinds of the
thugs, a police chief standing in front of the cameras of the liberal media
wanting to usher in social justice according to our Department of Justice and
the White House.
Bibles were banished from school rooms long ago. The Pledge
of Allegiance has quietly been erased from morning school room routines,
displays of the Ten Commandments have been destroyed or removed, many times by
court order. Even crude handmade crosses, designed to remember loved ones that
died on our nation’s roads, are under attack from athiest organizations. No
semblance of the cross exists anywhere in this nation without living under
attack by athiests, a group of people that spend obscene amounts of money and
time fighting against something they don't believe in and don't believe exists.
The irony is suffocating. Yet they are given more air time and understanding
than Christians who simply observe the cross as a symbol of love and
obedience.
Our military, the finest in the world, has been pared down,
sliced up, ridiculed, downsized, and this administration is dying to turn our
military forces over to the United Nations to be UN Peace Keepers. This current administration, with intense
hatred for our men and women in uniform, has stretched our forces thinner than
frog skin, some of our soldiers serving 6-7 tours of the worldwide theater of
combat, year after year. They come home,
loaded to the hair follicles with PTSD, hoping to come home to intact families
and thriving bases. Instead, they come
home to families splintered because they were gone for years to keep you and I
safe, and military bases either shut down or the sites of mass shootings by Muslim
infiltrators. They come home to find a
Veterans’ Administration that is woefully incapable caring for our soldiers in a
meaningful, expeditious way, and a head of the VA remarking that waiting for a
VA doctor or medical decision is no worse than waiting for a ride at
Disneyland. We are sending billions of
dollars to Saudi Arabia to renovate Muslim mosques but we have tens of
thousands of homeless vets. Veteran
suicides are at an epidemic high. We are
celebrating the remembrance of our men and women this weekend, and from the way
things look from my seat, the battles here at home with PTSD, a dismissive administration,
a VA in shambles, and the staggering amount of suicides are FAR greater than
the battles they face overseas. At least
with the battles around the world, the enemy has a face, and it is, by and large,
Islam. Back home, the face of the enemy
is their own government, and sometimes that is a FAR worse enemy to battle than
the one you leave home to fight.
Bible believing Christians know that there is no greater
love in the scriptures than the love of God for his precious Israel. The Jews have, from the beginning, been His
chosen people. Israel became a nation
again in 1948 and until that date, the land that Israel once occupied was nothing
but arid desert. Once Israel officially
became a recognized nation, the desert began blooming and Israel has become the
richest country in the world when it comes to scientific innovation, farming,
food, education, and medicine. Some of the
most brilliant minds in the world hail from Israel and today, aside from Jordan
and King Abdullah, Israel is our biggest ally in a part of the world that
houses the largest concentration of the hatred that is Islam. This current administration has effectively
told Israel to go play with itself, the Obama administration’s hatred of Israel
so palpable you can almost taste it. Can’t
figure out why our country is being hammered with weather disaster after
natural disaster after financial disaster after cultural disaster after……..you
know. It goes on and on.
Read Genesis 12:2-3. 2 “I
will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name
great, and you will be a blessing. 3 I
will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all
peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
Those were the words of God to Abraham. If you read them carefully you will see His
intent. Israel has indeed been blessed
when it comes to prosperity and innovation and creativity. Israel has most definitely blessed many around
the world. Those that wish to see her destruction make no
bones about raining bombs and attacks down on her and they are dealt with harshly. Those of us (the United States) that have
chosen to take a giant dump on Israel by whatever means the dump has taken are
feeling God’s wrath for the decisions of this administration. God doesn’t mess around when it comes to
Israel. This is another reason America’s
stature in the world is quickly waning.
Our leaders have chosen, quite brazenly, to turn against the only true
ally we have ever known in that region of the world. America is disappearing quickly because the
protective hand of God has been removed and it’s open feeding season on our
once-prolific and great country.
This weekend, instead of throwing hot dogs and hamburgers on
the grill and getting stupid drunk because you can, how about spending time in
prayer. Deep, repentant, reflective,
heartfelt prayer. The scriptures are
clear on our future. The United States
does not appear in prophecy. We are
currently neck-deep in prophecy and it is with excited anticipation that
believers watch the daily events of the world to see how much closer we are to
seeing God’s prophetic word be fulfilled.
It is the rest of the country that doesn’t believe in either God or His
word that are left wallowing in anxiety over what is going on and wondering
what can be done to salvage this nation.
In a word: Nothing.
Nothing but PRAY. Pray
for those running for office, whether you like them or not. Our country needs someone that isn’t going to
ram socialism down our throats , but rather, someone that will put OUR needs
and OUR best interests first, protect the citizens that vote him into office,
rather than protecting the PAC that lines his pockets or the biggest wallet
that offers money for favors. Pray that
our next leader will honor our military men and women by treating them with the
respect and honor they are due. They are
doing the jobs most would never make any attempt to do. Pray that we have a leader that respects God’s
word and respects God’s will for each of us.
Pray that we have a leader that will uphold the Constitution that favors
us ALL as Americans, and not just a few of the loudest and most obnoxious
voices that drown out all the rest to make sure that THEIR agenda is heard and
to hell with what everyone else wants.
Pray that ALL of our new leaders will set an example by
praying themselves and will not be afraid to let the world see him or her
praying. This is the weekend for showing
appreciation to our military that have fought and died so that we DO have the
right to vote for the leader or leaders we want, not the leaders that we “vote”
for as we’re led by machine gun to polling places to “vote”.
The United States began with the purest of intentions and with
the blessing of God. He gave this to
us. Our rights came not from kings or
governments, but from Him. We have,
through our free will, again given to us by God, crapped on everything that was
handed to us. The VERY least we owe Him
is repentant prayer, asking His forgiveness and wisdom for what we CAN do with
the time remaining. THAT is what this
somber, reflective weekend should be used for.
Nothing wrong with hot dogs, hamburgers, and barbeques, as long as we
pray and give thanks to the one from whom all blessings flow, and as long as we
pray and give thanks to those that died so we CAN enjoy those blessings given
to us.
Happy Memorial Day and to all our military personnel, past
and present, thank you is not enough, but it is all I have. THANK YOU.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Living Loud
The
louder you live your faith, the harder the slams from the world are
going to be. This last five or six days have truly been hell. I won't
go into details but your children--when a heart is broken, yours
shatters. When the man you love is in pain and in tears, you die 1,000
deaths wishing you could take the pain from him. When the enemy steals
your peace through the ONE thing he knows will send
you right over the edge into panic, he will do whatever it takes to see
to it you are shattered. When He uses you for the Kingdom and he KNOWS
you will weather the storm to His glory, no matter HOW bad the blows
come at you, the reward of peace is all that much sweeter. I refuse to
be broken unless I am sweetly broken by His mercy and grace. I will not
allow the slings and arrows of the enemy to pierce my heart because I
know that there is a heart stronger than mine that beats eternally and
can sustain me through the darkest of days. I HAVE to believe that
eternity is precious enough to fight through the world's darkness and
when I hang full on to that belief, the noise of the fight dims in the
whisper of peace.
I am YOURS, Father. My children are YOURS. My husband is YOURS. Use us as You will.
I am YOURS, Father. My children are YOURS. My husband is YOURS. Use us as You will.
August 1, 2012
Two
years ago today our lives were changed forever. A simple scratch on the
leg resulted in the words from the trauma surgeon, "If I do nothing now
you'll be dead in an hour." God never lets full facts slam you in the
face. He allows them to be absorbed in little dribbles and drips.
Nearly two years later, Mike finally is able to absorb the reality that
he suffered from not only flesh eating bacteria,
but post operative respiratory failure, renal failure, and septic
shock. "I not only lost everything on my left leg down to the bone, I
quit breathing, my kidneys shut down, and I had infection coursing
through my body. Can you believe that I survived?" Yes, I can because
greater is He who is in you than he that is in the world."
God has been our sustainer, our healer, our provider, our ever-present peace, our strength, our hope, our grace, our mercy, and our loving Father. During times of faith being sorely tested, Mike has drawn on the love of Jesus. "He hung on that cross for ME. If he can soldier through mockery, being spit on, humiliated, beaten, whipped to within an inch of his life, and then taking those spikes for ME on Calvary's cross, I can get through this."
Some day days have been nearly impossible to get through. He lost 100 lbs. in 90 days from fluid loss alone. You simply cannot comprehend the amount of fluid in our bodies until you experience something like this. Four PICC lines, 12 weeks of daily antibiotic drips, four trips to the Emergency Room, bombarding his body with prescription medications from Cipro and other antibiotics, Atavan, Gabapentin, Lasix, prescription strength potassium, Nabumatone, Vicodin, Dilaudid, Morphine, along with his normal Humalog and Lantus for his diabetes. These meds have taken a toll on his body, despite the fact that they saved him and have kept him going. Now, two years later, he has another surgery looming to remove a cataract on his right eye, and seeing if everything comes together for the bka, or "below the knee amputation" that ironically will give him a quality of life he cannot have now. His days consist of incredible pain, swarms of nerve pain on the skin graft that feel like yellow jackets attacking his leg. The casting attempt last year killed nerves in his foot and the removal of the tendon on the top of his foot that was found to be infected have left him with a "drop foot", or inability to control how the foot lands down when walking. He cannot hike, play basketball, go to the beach and walk in the sand, go camping, hunting, nothing, for fear of the skin graft tearing and introducing almost certain infection once again. We have had close calls over the past year when the skin graft had spots wear through to meat but the knowledge I gained from the nurses at Wound Care enabled us to heal them and continue his care at home.
There are days of tears, days of questions, and days of quiet satisfaction and gratitude when we see victories, no matter how big or small, we accept them all. I've been wife, lover, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, ass kicker, tissue provider, hugger, bottle washer, meal maker, housekeeper, transportation specialist, auto mechanic, domestic goddess, and medical/social/personal secretary, keeping a myriad of doctors and appointments made and kept, paperwork done, an unbelievable amount of medical supplies out of our own pockets as we have watched income dwindle. If I had a dollar for every time he broke down and said to me, "You didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair to you and not fair to Alison," I'd be sipping drinks on a beach somewhere on a vacation we've never ever been able to take. That's when I remind him of the words of his grandfather: "You take it all, put it on the floor in a pile, and call it life." We have grown closer than most couples ever grow, and then there are those days when the nicest thing we can say to each other is, "Shut up."
Alison has learned the ugly reality of life, that life isn't a sitcom where issues are solved in 22 minutes not counting commercial breaks, and sometimes, you hear "No." a LOT. She's been such an incredible blessing, handling a sick dad and the life that comes with it with grace and dignity that belies her age and would shame many adults, and then there are days when she's had enough. Toss puberty into the mix ("I hate that I'm growing hair down THERE! I look like a NEANDERTHAL!") and you have an intelligent, emotional, grown-up-faster-than-most-kids
Above all else, through good and bad, happy and sad, victory and disappointment, we have seen the hand of God, unmistakably and miraculously, reaching out, steadying the ship, bringing sun when we needed to feel warmth, and bringing rain to wash away fear and tears. Above all else, we strive to glorify Him and give Him the praise due for all He's done and the lives that have been touched by us stripping away any and all pretense and bringing so uncountable many along with us on this journey. I have lost friends because of our transparency and gained friends because of our transparency. Many, many "friends" of Mike's have disappeared, unable or unwilling to truly be what a friend is: faithful. Life is ugly at times and some can't handle ugly, and then there are those precious few that have stayed by his side, making him laugh his way through a phone call. Our church has blessed our socks off with mentors and pastors that have walked alongside Mike and just LISTENED. Men are not the strong silent type all the time. They need someone to listen just like women do. Thank God for the men that have stayed at his side. I feel sorry for those that have walked way. True colors are not pretty. Heidi Fordham, the rudder on the ship named Lori, has been an incredible blessing to me, my own personal Santa, sister in Christ, and best friend. People like this are like yeast in bread: They raise you up when you are languishing on the bottom of the bread pan and allow you to be light and golden. My sweet Katherine Skowronek has reminded me time and again that each day is new, don't dwell on the past, true family sticks beside you and loves you no matter what, and that I cannot let those that turn their backs on us overshadow those that are still standing with us.
Time to shut up and get on with the day. Thank you all so much for loving us and walking us through some very, very painful and difficult days. As we watch the world spiral out of control, the song on my heart is "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." God is very real and very much alive and Jesus, as promised, has never left of forsaken us. Thank you, God bless you all, and Maranatha!
God has been our sustainer, our healer, our provider, our ever-present peace, our strength, our hope, our grace, our mercy, and our loving Father. During times of faith being sorely tested, Mike has drawn on the love of Jesus. "He hung on that cross for ME. If he can soldier through mockery, being spit on, humiliated, beaten, whipped to within an inch of his life, and then taking those spikes for ME on Calvary's cross, I can get through this."
Some day days have been nearly impossible to get through. He lost 100 lbs. in 90 days from fluid loss alone. You simply cannot comprehend the amount of fluid in our bodies until you experience something like this. Four PICC lines, 12 weeks of daily antibiotic drips, four trips to the Emergency Room, bombarding his body with prescription medications from Cipro and other antibiotics, Atavan, Gabapentin, Lasix, prescription strength potassium, Nabumatone, Vicodin, Dilaudid, Morphine, along with his normal Humalog and Lantus for his diabetes. These meds have taken a toll on his body, despite the fact that they saved him and have kept him going. Now, two years later, he has another surgery looming to remove a cataract on his right eye, and seeing if everything comes together for the bka, or "below the knee amputation" that ironically will give him a quality of life he cannot have now. His days consist of incredible pain, swarms of nerve pain on the skin graft that feel like yellow jackets attacking his leg. The casting attempt last year killed nerves in his foot and the removal of the tendon on the top of his foot that was found to be infected have left him with a "drop foot", or inability to control how the foot lands down when walking. He cannot hike, play basketball, go to the beach and walk in the sand, go camping, hunting, nothing, for fear of the skin graft tearing and introducing almost certain infection once again. We have had close calls over the past year when the skin graft had spots wear through to meat but the knowledge I gained from the nurses at Wound Care enabled us to heal them and continue his care at home.
There are days of tears, days of questions, and days of quiet satisfaction and gratitude when we see victories, no matter how big or small, we accept them all. I've been wife, lover, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, ass kicker, tissue provider, hugger, bottle washer, meal maker, housekeeper, transportation specialist, auto mechanic, domestic goddess, and medical/social/personal secretary, keeping a myriad of doctors and appointments made and kept, paperwork done, an unbelievable amount of medical supplies out of our own pockets as we have watched income dwindle. If I had a dollar for every time he broke down and said to me, "You didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair to you and not fair to Alison," I'd be sipping drinks on a beach somewhere on a vacation we've never ever been able to take. That's when I remind him of the words of his grandfather: "You take it all, put it on the floor in a pile, and call it life." We have grown closer than most couples ever grow, and then there are those days when the nicest thing we can say to each other is, "Shut up."
Alison has learned the ugly reality of life, that life isn't a sitcom where issues are solved in 22 minutes not counting commercial breaks, and sometimes, you hear "No." a LOT. She's been such an incredible blessing, handling a sick dad and the life that comes with it with grace and dignity that belies her age and would shame many adults, and then there are days when she's had enough. Toss puberty into the mix ("I hate that I'm growing hair down THERE! I look like a NEANDERTHAL!") and you have an intelligent, emotional, grown-up-faster-than-most-kids
Above all else, through good and bad, happy and sad, victory and disappointment, we have seen the hand of God, unmistakably and miraculously, reaching out, steadying the ship, bringing sun when we needed to feel warmth, and bringing rain to wash away fear and tears. Above all else, we strive to glorify Him and give Him the praise due for all He's done and the lives that have been touched by us stripping away any and all pretense and bringing so uncountable many along with us on this journey. I have lost friends because of our transparency and gained friends because of our transparency. Many, many "friends" of Mike's have disappeared, unable or unwilling to truly be what a friend is: faithful. Life is ugly at times and some can't handle ugly, and then there are those precious few that have stayed by his side, making him laugh his way through a phone call. Our church has blessed our socks off with mentors and pastors that have walked alongside Mike and just LISTENED. Men are not the strong silent type all the time. They need someone to listen just like women do. Thank God for the men that have stayed at his side. I feel sorry for those that have walked way. True colors are not pretty. Heidi Fordham, the rudder on the ship named Lori, has been an incredible blessing to me, my own personal Santa, sister in Christ, and best friend. People like this are like yeast in bread: They raise you up when you are languishing on the bottom of the bread pan and allow you to be light and golden. My sweet Katherine Skowronek has reminded me time and again that each day is new, don't dwell on the past, true family sticks beside you and loves you no matter what, and that I cannot let those that turn their backs on us overshadow those that are still standing with us.
Time to shut up and get on with the day. Thank you all so much for loving us and walking us through some very, very painful and difficult days. As we watch the world spiral out of control, the song on my heart is "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." God is very real and very much alive and Jesus, as promised, has never left of forsaken us. Thank you, God bless you all, and Maranatha!
Swim, little fish!
Took
Alison swimming today at the Kroc Center. There is NOTHING delicate
about this child. She is just a big girl, not fat, but she's filled out
her bathing suit and doesn't look like a 10 year old. She's mistaken
for 13-14 year olds all the time. And she's not the least bit delicate
about jumping in the pool. No jumping in feet first...no....she BELLY
FLOPS every single stinking time. She's
conquering her fears one by one and today it was time to conquer her
fear of deep water and jumping off the diving board. Which she did.
Only somehow she jumped off the side of the diving board and--I wasn't
in the area to watch--she somehow smacked her face on the cement edge of
the pool and now has a beautiful puffy, red torn up inside upper lip.
Didn't phase her a bit. A little bit of ice and some attention from the
lifeguards and BELLY FLOP! right back into the deep end. She's a fish
in water, totally at home in it. Three story water slide? Bring it on
(in fact, I've done it and it's REALLY fun). Somersaults, flips,
handstands, you name it she'll do it no matter how deep. She loves the
Wibbit, an in-water obstacle course. Ungainly and not ladylike, she
throws herself into it. Nothing stops her.
My girls, they inspire me. They challenge how I think, how I approach life, how I face down my own fears. Katherine is facing something head-on right now, something very painful. I am amazed by her grace and fortitude, her ability to love and forgive and move on. When I want to go ninja on someone, she reminds me this person is already hurting and a prisoner of their own ignorance. Don't you go down that same road, mom. When I see life through my own jaded viewfinder, Alison points out a fact or reality I wasn't seeing and changes my approach. I thought God gave me children to enrich THEIR lives. It's been quite the opposite. Where I differ from my own mother is I try to be teachable and humble enough to recognize when I need to change my view or thoughts on something, instead of hanging onto my pride and arrogance and thinking my way is the ONLY way.
Girls, my precious girls, Katherine and Alison, it is such a privilege to be your mother, to learn from you, to walk with you, to love you, and to be loved by you in return. The lessons I learn and growth I gain are your gifts to me.
My girls, they inspire me. They challenge how I think, how I approach life, how I face down my own fears. Katherine is facing something head-on right now, something very painful. I am amazed by her grace and fortitude, her ability to love and forgive and move on. When I want to go ninja on someone, she reminds me this person is already hurting and a prisoner of their own ignorance. Don't you go down that same road, mom. When I see life through my own jaded viewfinder, Alison points out a fact or reality I wasn't seeing and changes my approach. I thought God gave me children to enrich THEIR lives. It's been quite the opposite. Where I differ from my own mother is I try to be teachable and humble enough to recognize when I need to change my view or thoughts on something, instead of hanging onto my pride and arrogance and thinking my way is the ONLY way.
Girls, my precious girls, Katherine and Alison, it is such a privilege to be your mother, to learn from you, to walk with you, to love you, and to be loved by you in return. The lessons I learn and growth I gain are your gifts to me.
Friday, July 18, 2014
When I grow up I want to be.......
So many times I look at my life and wonder, "Is this what I was meant to do? or "Is this what I was meant to be?"
I never found a bigger or more interesting "calling", I never wanted to graduate high school and blaze trails and be the "top" of my field, whatever field that was. My desires were simple. To work, to love, to be loved, and be happy.
I never wanted to be one of those women with multiple children under age five and two in diapers at the same time and do nothing but talk to little people all day long. A mother wasn't something I aspired to be, in fact, when I was in my late teens/early 20's I swore up and down I wasn't going to have kids, but when the time came, God peeled back a layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered profound love for two beautiful girls I have been blessed to hear call me "mom". In the days of gestation, I rubbed my belly and talked to them, telling them both how much I loved them, that I couldn't wait to meet them and be their mommy. Seeing each one for the first time was breathtaking and I felt like God opened a little window for me to see just a taste of heaven. I cannot imagine my life without either one and in His infinite wisdom, God did not give me two children close in age, rather they're 14 1/2 years apart. I have been able to enjoy each girl on her own and though they love one another dearly and deeply, each one has been raised like an only child and that's given me a unique time with both of them, a time to relish watching them grow and learn and become the interesting, captivating, deep, funny, intelligent young lady both of them are.
I had a learning disability we later on learned was ADD, a condition that is the bane of some people's existences, and a blessing to others. I can multitask like a boss, but cannot focus for any great length of time on anything. I was the kid that whose report cards read, "Needs to pay attention in class." All my life I told myself I was stupid, and as I've aged and gleaned wisdom from age and life, He peeled back another layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered I'm REALLY quite intelligent and wise and capable. I cannot read a book and put anything together without copious amounts of confusion and rereading over and over and then just shelving the book, but I can, with eyes and hands and effort, figure pretty much ANYTHING out and do very well. I am QUITE smart, I just didn't need academia's approval or the world's approval and a degree to hang on the wall. I have my own approval and my degree from the University of Hard Knocks is in satisfaction with how I truly am and acceptance of how my brain works.
I never went through my childhood thinking, "When I grow up I want to be a calligrapher." Unless you were born in the middle ages, I think we all pretty much wanted to grow up to be flight attendants, nurses, doctors, astronauts, writers, teachers, or some other profession that paid well and people looked up to. I was 26 when a thought dropped into my lap and after a trip to Michaels and the purchase of a book and a pen set, in 13 years and over 1,700 weddings and events and commissioned pieces, I took an old fashioned art form, in Greek, the word kallos graphe literally mean "beautiful writing", and turned it into something that has enabled me to work with clients from the United Kingdom to Hong Kong, clients in every single state in the country, to Michael Jordan's 50th birthday to the Bat Mitzvah of the daughter of the former head of HBO, to countless weddings and birthdays and anniversaries and family gatherings, to the heartfelt words of a father to a daughter, a husband to a wife, a wife to her children, people trust me with words that come from their heart and I put those words to paper, glass, wood, canvas, stethoscopes, envelopes, and every other medium. I've penned lyrics of songs for a widow that thinks of her husband every time she passes by the picture frame. I've penned a love letter from a father to his daughter. I have worked with clients I wished I could adopt or could adopt ME, and I've encountered brides so self-absorbed and shallow I wanted to call their fiances and go, "Pssst! It's called the Witness Protection Program--let's go! They can hide you!" It's crazy, creative, colorful, exhausting, gratifying and horrifying, but it's a life I've been blessed to create with a gift from the giver of gifts, God himself. I didn't think when I was in Mrs. Storey's Offices Practices class that one day I'd ditch the typewriter and attorneys for ink well and nib and parchment paper, but I wouldn't trade this for the world.
I watched my friends and girls I knew date man after man after man and go out on a seemingly endless string of dates with different guys, and I was always the one that sat home on Saturday nights crocheting afghans with intermittent boys and men placed here and there. I didn't realize I gave off a vibe that told men to "get lost" but apparently when I found myself at Denver International Airport on September 25, 2001 to see the man that would be my husband for the first time in 20 years, that vibe disappeared and so did my longing for those endless strings of dates as a tentative man I hadn't seen since 1981 walked towards me and I can honestly say I've been loved passionately and deeply and should he go Home before I do, I would be quite content never standing beside another man because I have had the love that all women hope for but sadly, some never find, and it was all in His time, not mine.
I come from a smallish family that has its idiosyncracies and flaws and as time has marched on, those idiosyncracies and flaws have grown in size and depth and I have had to shut doors on some and some have shut the door on me. There are times it bothers me, and other times I'm relieved not to have the drama around me, but I have learned to surround myself in my life with those that will love me regardless of whatever I've done in the past or whatever expectation I've not lived up to in someone else's eyes. I have the family I wish to have, a husband and two beautiful daughters, and a son-in-law, and should God decide to open doors and bring more to the table, that's fine, but I have learned to find contentment among those I do have and love deeply.
I have friends from all of my walks of life and like a garden of flowers, each one is different and beautiful and strong and tender and blooms at times different from others' blooming, but put them all together and when I find myself walking through that garden, I get to enjoy the sweet fragrance of kindness, compassion, talents, abilities, gifts, shortcomings, longcomings, and blessings. He has shown me how to eliminate the weeds of jealousy and envy that would choke out the beauty and how to nurture and feed the flowers that make my life rich and colorful and beautiful. Some bloom in the spring, like bulbs, and some bloom in the fall, like dahlias, and some bloom all year long, but each "flower" is precious and special to me and I love the garden He has given me.
When I ask myself, "Is this what I was meant to do? or "Is this what I was meant to be?", I have to honestly answer, "Yes." To pursue any thing else would be to upset the applecart that God has wheeled into my world. To pine after something He doesn't intend for me to have would be to unfairly take my appreciation and attention from what He HAS given me, and given to me abundantly and fully. If we take our eyes off what we think we "want" and focus instead on what we "have" and thank Him from whom all blessings flow, you will probably find you're exactly where He wanted you all along and doing what He wanted you to do all along. It's your calling. It's your life. It's His gift.
I never found a bigger or more interesting "calling", I never wanted to graduate high school and blaze trails and be the "top" of my field, whatever field that was. My desires were simple. To work, to love, to be loved, and be happy.
I never wanted to be one of those women with multiple children under age five and two in diapers at the same time and do nothing but talk to little people all day long. A mother wasn't something I aspired to be, in fact, when I was in my late teens/early 20's I swore up and down I wasn't going to have kids, but when the time came, God peeled back a layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered profound love for two beautiful girls I have been blessed to hear call me "mom". In the days of gestation, I rubbed my belly and talked to them, telling them both how much I loved them, that I couldn't wait to meet them and be their mommy. Seeing each one for the first time was breathtaking and I felt like God opened a little window for me to see just a taste of heaven. I cannot imagine my life without either one and in His infinite wisdom, God did not give me two children close in age, rather they're 14 1/2 years apart. I have been able to enjoy each girl on her own and though they love one another dearly and deeply, each one has been raised like an only child and that's given me a unique time with both of them, a time to relish watching them grow and learn and become the interesting, captivating, deep, funny, intelligent young lady both of them are.
I had a learning disability we later on learned was ADD, a condition that is the bane of some people's existences, and a blessing to others. I can multitask like a boss, but cannot focus for any great length of time on anything. I was the kid that whose report cards read, "Needs to pay attention in class." All my life I told myself I was stupid, and as I've aged and gleaned wisdom from age and life, He peeled back another layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered I'm REALLY quite intelligent and wise and capable. I cannot read a book and put anything together without copious amounts of confusion and rereading over and over and then just shelving the book, but I can, with eyes and hands and effort, figure pretty much ANYTHING out and do very well. I am QUITE smart, I just didn't need academia's approval or the world's approval and a degree to hang on the wall. I have my own approval and my degree from the University of Hard Knocks is in satisfaction with how I truly am and acceptance of how my brain works.
I never went through my childhood thinking, "When I grow up I want to be a calligrapher." Unless you were born in the middle ages, I think we all pretty much wanted to grow up to be flight attendants, nurses, doctors, astronauts, writers, teachers, or some other profession that paid well and people looked up to. I was 26 when a thought dropped into my lap and after a trip to Michaels and the purchase of a book and a pen set, in 13 years and over 1,700 weddings and events and commissioned pieces, I took an old fashioned art form, in Greek, the word kallos graphe literally mean "beautiful writing", and turned it into something that has enabled me to work with clients from the United Kingdom to Hong Kong, clients in every single state in the country, to Michael Jordan's 50th birthday to the Bat Mitzvah of the daughter of the former head of HBO, to countless weddings and birthdays and anniversaries and family gatherings, to the heartfelt words of a father to a daughter, a husband to a wife, a wife to her children, people trust me with words that come from their heart and I put those words to paper, glass, wood, canvas, stethoscopes, envelopes, and every other medium. I've penned lyrics of songs for a widow that thinks of her husband every time she passes by the picture frame. I've penned a love letter from a father to his daughter. I have worked with clients I wished I could adopt or could adopt ME, and I've encountered brides so self-absorbed and shallow I wanted to call their fiances and go, "Pssst! It's called the Witness Protection Program--let's go! They can hide you!" It's crazy, creative, colorful, exhausting, gratifying and horrifying, but it's a life I've been blessed to create with a gift from the giver of gifts, God himself. I didn't think when I was in Mrs. Storey's Offices Practices class that one day I'd ditch the typewriter and attorneys for ink well and nib and parchment paper, but I wouldn't trade this for the world.
I watched my friends and girls I knew date man after man after man and go out on a seemingly endless string of dates with different guys, and I was always the one that sat home on Saturday nights crocheting afghans with intermittent boys and men placed here and there. I didn't realize I gave off a vibe that told men to "get lost" but apparently when I found myself at Denver International Airport on September 25, 2001 to see the man that would be my husband for the first time in 20 years, that vibe disappeared and so did my longing for those endless strings of dates as a tentative man I hadn't seen since 1981 walked towards me and I can honestly say I've been loved passionately and deeply and should he go Home before I do, I would be quite content never standing beside another man because I have had the love that all women hope for but sadly, some never find, and it was all in His time, not mine.
I come from a smallish family that has its idiosyncracies and flaws and as time has marched on, those idiosyncracies and flaws have grown in size and depth and I have had to shut doors on some and some have shut the door on me. There are times it bothers me, and other times I'm relieved not to have the drama around me, but I have learned to surround myself in my life with those that will love me regardless of whatever I've done in the past or whatever expectation I've not lived up to in someone else's eyes. I have the family I wish to have, a husband and two beautiful daughters, and a son-in-law, and should God decide to open doors and bring more to the table, that's fine, but I have learned to find contentment among those I do have and love deeply.
I have friends from all of my walks of life and like a garden of flowers, each one is different and beautiful and strong and tender and blooms at times different from others' blooming, but put them all together and when I find myself walking through that garden, I get to enjoy the sweet fragrance of kindness, compassion, talents, abilities, gifts, shortcomings, longcomings, and blessings. He has shown me how to eliminate the weeds of jealousy and envy that would choke out the beauty and how to nurture and feed the flowers that make my life rich and colorful and beautiful. Some bloom in the spring, like bulbs, and some bloom in the fall, like dahlias, and some bloom all year long, but each "flower" is precious and special to me and I love the garden He has given me.
When I ask myself, "Is this what I was meant to do? or "Is this what I was meant to be?", I have to honestly answer, "Yes." To pursue any thing else would be to upset the applecart that God has wheeled into my world. To pine after something He doesn't intend for me to have would be to unfairly take my appreciation and attention from what He HAS given me, and given to me abundantly and fully. If we take our eyes off what we think we "want" and focus instead on what we "have" and thank Him from whom all blessings flow, you will probably find you're exactly where He wanted you all along and doing what He wanted you to do all along. It's your calling. It's your life. It's His gift.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Hey you! You're important.
Before I had kids, friends of mine with kids would tell me how agonizing it was when they'd get the parents to babysit and they'd go out to dinner with their spouse, and all they did was stare at the ice melting in their water glasses and talk about..........the kids.
I can hereby confirm that once I became a parent, yes, you do, in fact, do just that.
Fast forward several years and now I'm the mother of a 24 year old and an almost ten year old. I often say "with age comes wisdom." It's so true and that is the ONE thing I think I love most about getting older. The wisdom I glean from every day life.
Today, my daughter went to a water park with her youth group from church. She has quite an unusual life--she's home schooled. That means we are around each other 24/7. Not only are she and I around each other 24/7, her father is with us 24/7 as well. It does require some getting used to and at times, I can say without hesitation that going to the grocery store is the only time I may find peace and quiet. In the middle of a busy grocery store. There may be a dozen kids screaming for mom, but none of them are mine and I have developed quite the talent for tuning out other people's kids.
Today, the house is quiet. Phineas and Pherb isn't on, no Disney shows are on. Art paper and pens aren't strung all over the living room floor. The television is off, there is no hounding to get on the computer or go swimming, there is no showing me the newest drawing, no telling me about her latest book, no whining about anything. It is quiet. I love my daughters, both of them. Endlessly I love them. But I also deeply appreciate quiet "me" time. Today, after I dropped her off, I came home and relished the quiet. I knew the things I needed to accomplish and I am getting to them one at a time, not rushing through them, but thoughtfully accomplishing what needs accomplishing and tossing out the clutter that jams up my life with busyness. I am getting REALLY good at tossing out the needless and unnecessary. I am thinking complete thoughts, I am enjoying time in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door that she has "to pee like yesterday, c'mon mom, hurry up!" I can put clean clothes on her bed and not hear a huff of exasperation. No indignant comments. But also missing are the hugs and the "I love you so much, mom". You take the good with the bad and put it all on the floor in a pile and you call it life.
So, today, I've cleaned a bit, cleaned out piles of things that needed my attention. I hit a wall earlier this week, shutting off all social media and shutting my own self up from commenting on anything, from watching news, from listening to that horrid man in the People's House say ANYTHING. I have shut it all out. Yesterday, out of the blue, I dropped down on the bed and slept three hours, waking only to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, make the bed with new sheets, catch the season finale of 24, and then I slept for 12 more hours. Obviously I needed the sleep. I feel more rested and clear today than I've felt for a long, long time. I refuse to drain myself dry anymore of energy, clarity, peace. Let the world survive on the "news as it happens" lifestyle. I have too many flowers to stop and smell.
I'm nearing the end of my to-do list, reading the last few magazines I need to get through and discard. I have envelopes needing done, and they'll get done. I have one and a half hours before Ms. Thing will need to be picked up. I hope she's had a fun day, being a kid, laughing, splashing, making friends, just having a good old time. I purposely don't volunteer to help out on any of these events because she needs to be away from mom and dad and just have fun being a kid on her own. It always makes her appreciate time with us so much more and we appreciate being around that much more after she's been away for a while. I am relishing the quiet, the slower pace, the need to just breathe and enjoy some peace. That will all change once she hits the door and has to tell me all about her adventures on the water slide and who said what to whom and where's my cat? as she scoops Gilbert up in her arms to spend some time with him as she winds down.
Today, I have to honestly say I've not thought a lot about her being gone. There's nothing wrong with that. Somehow in our society we have become guilt-ridden if we don't saturate ourselves every single second with our children. We have forced ourselves to forget that at one time we were individuals and had lives and had uninterrupted thoughts and spoke on complete sentences. Then children arrived and we have been told that unless you make them the center of your universe and breathe every cell of them into your lungs you're an awful parent and don't deserve to have them. I have dropped the ball plenty of times as a mom and my daughters know they are loved, but they are not the center of my universe. God is. Then my husband. Then my daughters. Each is important, but at the end of my life, I will not have to stand and give account of my life to either my husband or my daughters. It is God I will answer to. It is God I seek for direction and answers. If I don't have Him at the center, wheel is lopsided and I head in directions I don't want to go.
I am grateful for this day away from Ali and I'm sure she's grateful for the day away from us. There is nothing wrong with that. Quit letting the world tell you that you're the next Hitler if you don't feel guilty about them not being with you 24/7. You are the one your children see as the example-setters in their lives. Show them that they, by themselves, individually, are important. You have to take care of yourself, recharge your battery, fill your soul back up with oxygen and life. You can be nothing to anyone else if you aren't taking care of being something for you. Take care of YOU because few others will.
I can hereby confirm that once I became a parent, yes, you do, in fact, do just that.
Fast forward several years and now I'm the mother of a 24 year old and an almost ten year old. I often say "with age comes wisdom." It's so true and that is the ONE thing I think I love most about getting older. The wisdom I glean from every day life.
Today, my daughter went to a water park with her youth group from church. She has quite an unusual life--she's home schooled. That means we are around each other 24/7. Not only are she and I around each other 24/7, her father is with us 24/7 as well. It does require some getting used to and at times, I can say without hesitation that going to the grocery store is the only time I may find peace and quiet. In the middle of a busy grocery store. There may be a dozen kids screaming for mom, but none of them are mine and I have developed quite the talent for tuning out other people's kids.
Today, the house is quiet. Phineas and Pherb isn't on, no Disney shows are on. Art paper and pens aren't strung all over the living room floor. The television is off, there is no hounding to get on the computer or go swimming, there is no showing me the newest drawing, no telling me about her latest book, no whining about anything. It is quiet. I love my daughters, both of them. Endlessly I love them. But I also deeply appreciate quiet "me" time. Today, after I dropped her off, I came home and relished the quiet. I knew the things I needed to accomplish and I am getting to them one at a time, not rushing through them, but thoughtfully accomplishing what needs accomplishing and tossing out the clutter that jams up my life with busyness. I am getting REALLY good at tossing out the needless and unnecessary. I am thinking complete thoughts, I am enjoying time in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door that she has "to pee like yesterday, c'mon mom, hurry up!" I can put clean clothes on her bed and not hear a huff of exasperation. No indignant comments. But also missing are the hugs and the "I love you so much, mom". You take the good with the bad and put it all on the floor in a pile and you call it life.
So, today, I've cleaned a bit, cleaned out piles of things that needed my attention. I hit a wall earlier this week, shutting off all social media and shutting my own self up from commenting on anything, from watching news, from listening to that horrid man in the People's House say ANYTHING. I have shut it all out. Yesterday, out of the blue, I dropped down on the bed and slept three hours, waking only to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, make the bed with new sheets, catch the season finale of 24, and then I slept for 12 more hours. Obviously I needed the sleep. I feel more rested and clear today than I've felt for a long, long time. I refuse to drain myself dry anymore of energy, clarity, peace. Let the world survive on the "news as it happens" lifestyle. I have too many flowers to stop and smell.
I'm nearing the end of my to-do list, reading the last few magazines I need to get through and discard. I have envelopes needing done, and they'll get done. I have one and a half hours before Ms. Thing will need to be picked up. I hope she's had a fun day, being a kid, laughing, splashing, making friends, just having a good old time. I purposely don't volunteer to help out on any of these events because she needs to be away from mom and dad and just have fun being a kid on her own. It always makes her appreciate time with us so much more and we appreciate being around that much more after she's been away for a while. I am relishing the quiet, the slower pace, the need to just breathe and enjoy some peace. That will all change once she hits the door and has to tell me all about her adventures on the water slide and who said what to whom and where's my cat? as she scoops Gilbert up in her arms to spend some time with him as she winds down.
Today, I have to honestly say I've not thought a lot about her being gone. There's nothing wrong with that. Somehow in our society we have become guilt-ridden if we don't saturate ourselves every single second with our children. We have forced ourselves to forget that at one time we were individuals and had lives and had uninterrupted thoughts and spoke on complete sentences. Then children arrived and we have been told that unless you make them the center of your universe and breathe every cell of them into your lungs you're an awful parent and don't deserve to have them. I have dropped the ball plenty of times as a mom and my daughters know they are loved, but they are not the center of my universe. God is. Then my husband. Then my daughters. Each is important, but at the end of my life, I will not have to stand and give account of my life to either my husband or my daughters. It is God I will answer to. It is God I seek for direction and answers. If I don't have Him at the center, wheel is lopsided and I head in directions I don't want to go.
I am grateful for this day away from Ali and I'm sure she's grateful for the day away from us. There is nothing wrong with that. Quit letting the world tell you that you're the next Hitler if you don't feel guilty about them not being with you 24/7. You are the one your children see as the example-setters in their lives. Show them that they, by themselves, individually, are important. You have to take care of yourself, recharge your battery, fill your soul back up with oxygen and life. You can be nothing to anyone else if you aren't taking care of being something for you. Take care of YOU because few others will.
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