The
louder you live your faith, the harder the slams from the world are
going to be. This last five or six days have truly been hell. I won't
go into details but your children--when a heart is broken, yours
shatters. When the man you love is in pain and in tears, you die 1,000
deaths wishing you could take the pain from him. When the enemy steals
your peace through the ONE thing he knows will send
you right over the edge into panic, he will do whatever it takes to see
to it you are shattered. When He uses you for the Kingdom and he KNOWS
you will weather the storm to His glory, no matter HOW bad the blows
come at you, the reward of peace is all that much sweeter. I refuse to
be broken unless I am sweetly broken by His mercy and grace. I will not
allow the slings and arrows of the enemy to pierce my heart because I
know that there is a heart stronger than mine that beats eternally and
can sustain me through the darkest of days. I HAVE to believe that
eternity is precious enough to fight through the world's darkness and
when I hang full on to that belief, the noise of the fight dims in the
whisper of peace.
I am YOURS, Father. My children are YOURS. My husband is YOURS. Use us as You will.
Friday, August 22, 2014
August 1, 2012
Two
years ago today our lives were changed forever. A simple scratch on the
leg resulted in the words from the trauma surgeon, "If I do nothing now
you'll be dead in an hour." God never lets full facts slam you in the
face. He allows them to be absorbed in little dribbles and drips.
Nearly two years later, Mike finally is able to absorb the reality that
he suffered from not only flesh eating bacteria,
but post operative respiratory failure, renal failure, and septic
shock. "I not only lost everything on my left leg down to the bone, I
quit breathing, my kidneys shut down, and I had infection coursing
through my body. Can you believe that I survived?" Yes, I can because
greater is He who is in you than he that is in the world."
God has been our sustainer, our healer, our provider, our ever-present peace, our strength, our hope, our grace, our mercy, and our loving Father. During times of faith being sorely tested, Mike has drawn on the love of Jesus. "He hung on that cross for ME. If he can soldier through mockery, being spit on, humiliated, beaten, whipped to within an inch of his life, and then taking those spikes for ME on Calvary's cross, I can get through this."
Some day days have been nearly impossible to get through. He lost 100 lbs. in 90 days from fluid loss alone. You simply cannot comprehend the amount of fluid in our bodies until you experience something like this. Four PICC lines, 12 weeks of daily antibiotic drips, four trips to the Emergency Room, bombarding his body with prescription medications from Cipro and other antibiotics, Atavan, Gabapentin, Lasix, prescription strength potassium, Nabumatone, Vicodin, Dilaudid, Morphine, along with his normal Humalog and Lantus for his diabetes. These meds have taken a toll on his body, despite the fact that they saved him and have kept him going. Now, two years later, he has another surgery looming to remove a cataract on his right eye, and seeing if everything comes together for the bka, or "below the knee amputation" that ironically will give him a quality of life he cannot have now. His days consist of incredible pain, swarms of nerve pain on the skin graft that feel like yellow jackets attacking his leg. The casting attempt last year killed nerves in his foot and the removal of the tendon on the top of his foot that was found to be infected have left him with a "drop foot", or inability to control how the foot lands down when walking. He cannot hike, play basketball, go to the beach and walk in the sand, go camping, hunting, nothing, for fear of the skin graft tearing and introducing almost certain infection once again. We have had close calls over the past year when the skin graft had spots wear through to meat but the knowledge I gained from the nurses at Wound Care enabled us to heal them and continue his care at home.
There are days of tears, days of questions, and days of quiet satisfaction and gratitude when we see victories, no matter how big or small, we accept them all. I've been wife, lover, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, ass kicker, tissue provider, hugger, bottle washer, meal maker, housekeeper, transportation specialist, auto mechanic, domestic goddess, and medical/social/personal secretary, keeping a myriad of doctors and appointments made and kept, paperwork done, an unbelievable amount of medical supplies out of our own pockets as we have watched income dwindle. If I had a dollar for every time he broke down and said to me, "You didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair to you and not fair to Alison," I'd be sipping drinks on a beach somewhere on a vacation we've never ever been able to take. That's when I remind him of the words of his grandfather: "You take it all, put it on the floor in a pile, and call it life." We have grown closer than most couples ever grow, and then there are those days when the nicest thing we can say to each other is, "Shut up."
Alison has learned the ugly reality of life, that life isn't a sitcom where issues are solved in 22 minutes not counting commercial breaks, and sometimes, you hear "No." a LOT. She's been such an incredible blessing, handling a sick dad and the life that comes with it with grace and dignity that belies her age and would shame many adults, and then there are days when she's had enough. Toss puberty into the mix ("I hate that I'm growing hair down THERE! I look like a NEANDERTHAL!") and you have an intelligent, emotional, grown-up-faster-than-most-kids
Above all else, through good and bad, happy and sad, victory and disappointment, we have seen the hand of God, unmistakably and miraculously, reaching out, steadying the ship, bringing sun when we needed to feel warmth, and bringing rain to wash away fear and tears. Above all else, we strive to glorify Him and give Him the praise due for all He's done and the lives that have been touched by us stripping away any and all pretense and bringing so uncountable many along with us on this journey. I have lost friends because of our transparency and gained friends because of our transparency. Many, many "friends" of Mike's have disappeared, unable or unwilling to truly be what a friend is: faithful. Life is ugly at times and some can't handle ugly, and then there are those precious few that have stayed by his side, making him laugh his way through a phone call. Our church has blessed our socks off with mentors and pastors that have walked alongside Mike and just LISTENED. Men are not the strong silent type all the time. They need someone to listen just like women do. Thank God for the men that have stayed at his side. I feel sorry for those that have walked way. True colors are not pretty. Heidi Fordham, the rudder on the ship named Lori, has been an incredible blessing to me, my own personal Santa, sister in Christ, and best friend. People like this are like yeast in bread: They raise you up when you are languishing on the bottom of the bread pan and allow you to be light and golden. My sweet Katherine Skowronek has reminded me time and again that each day is new, don't dwell on the past, true family sticks beside you and loves you no matter what, and that I cannot let those that turn their backs on us overshadow those that are still standing with us.
Time to shut up and get on with the day. Thank you all so much for loving us and walking us through some very, very painful and difficult days. As we watch the world spiral out of control, the song on my heart is "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." God is very real and very much alive and Jesus, as promised, has never left of forsaken us. Thank you, God bless you all, and Maranatha!
God has been our sustainer, our healer, our provider, our ever-present peace, our strength, our hope, our grace, our mercy, and our loving Father. During times of faith being sorely tested, Mike has drawn on the love of Jesus. "He hung on that cross for ME. If he can soldier through mockery, being spit on, humiliated, beaten, whipped to within an inch of his life, and then taking those spikes for ME on Calvary's cross, I can get through this."
Some day days have been nearly impossible to get through. He lost 100 lbs. in 90 days from fluid loss alone. You simply cannot comprehend the amount of fluid in our bodies until you experience something like this. Four PICC lines, 12 weeks of daily antibiotic drips, four trips to the Emergency Room, bombarding his body with prescription medications from Cipro and other antibiotics, Atavan, Gabapentin, Lasix, prescription strength potassium, Nabumatone, Vicodin, Dilaudid, Morphine, along with his normal Humalog and Lantus for his diabetes. These meds have taken a toll on his body, despite the fact that they saved him and have kept him going. Now, two years later, he has another surgery looming to remove a cataract on his right eye, and seeing if everything comes together for the bka, or "below the knee amputation" that ironically will give him a quality of life he cannot have now. His days consist of incredible pain, swarms of nerve pain on the skin graft that feel like yellow jackets attacking his leg. The casting attempt last year killed nerves in his foot and the removal of the tendon on the top of his foot that was found to be infected have left him with a "drop foot", or inability to control how the foot lands down when walking. He cannot hike, play basketball, go to the beach and walk in the sand, go camping, hunting, nothing, for fear of the skin graft tearing and introducing almost certain infection once again. We have had close calls over the past year when the skin graft had spots wear through to meat but the knowledge I gained from the nurses at Wound Care enabled us to heal them and continue his care at home.
There are days of tears, days of questions, and days of quiet satisfaction and gratitude when we see victories, no matter how big or small, we accept them all. I've been wife, lover, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, ass kicker, tissue provider, hugger, bottle washer, meal maker, housekeeper, transportation specialist, auto mechanic, domestic goddess, and medical/social/personal secretary, keeping a myriad of doctors and appointments made and kept, paperwork done, an unbelievable amount of medical supplies out of our own pockets as we have watched income dwindle. If I had a dollar for every time he broke down and said to me, "You didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair to you and not fair to Alison," I'd be sipping drinks on a beach somewhere on a vacation we've never ever been able to take. That's when I remind him of the words of his grandfather: "You take it all, put it on the floor in a pile, and call it life." We have grown closer than most couples ever grow, and then there are those days when the nicest thing we can say to each other is, "Shut up."
Alison has learned the ugly reality of life, that life isn't a sitcom where issues are solved in 22 minutes not counting commercial breaks, and sometimes, you hear "No." a LOT. She's been such an incredible blessing, handling a sick dad and the life that comes with it with grace and dignity that belies her age and would shame many adults, and then there are days when she's had enough. Toss puberty into the mix ("I hate that I'm growing hair down THERE! I look like a NEANDERTHAL!") and you have an intelligent, emotional, grown-up-faster-than-most-kids
Above all else, through good and bad, happy and sad, victory and disappointment, we have seen the hand of God, unmistakably and miraculously, reaching out, steadying the ship, bringing sun when we needed to feel warmth, and bringing rain to wash away fear and tears. Above all else, we strive to glorify Him and give Him the praise due for all He's done and the lives that have been touched by us stripping away any and all pretense and bringing so uncountable many along with us on this journey. I have lost friends because of our transparency and gained friends because of our transparency. Many, many "friends" of Mike's have disappeared, unable or unwilling to truly be what a friend is: faithful. Life is ugly at times and some can't handle ugly, and then there are those precious few that have stayed by his side, making him laugh his way through a phone call. Our church has blessed our socks off with mentors and pastors that have walked alongside Mike and just LISTENED. Men are not the strong silent type all the time. They need someone to listen just like women do. Thank God for the men that have stayed at his side. I feel sorry for those that have walked way. True colors are not pretty. Heidi Fordham, the rudder on the ship named Lori, has been an incredible blessing to me, my own personal Santa, sister in Christ, and best friend. People like this are like yeast in bread: They raise you up when you are languishing on the bottom of the bread pan and allow you to be light and golden. My sweet Katherine Skowronek has reminded me time and again that each day is new, don't dwell on the past, true family sticks beside you and loves you no matter what, and that I cannot let those that turn their backs on us overshadow those that are still standing with us.
Time to shut up and get on with the day. Thank you all so much for loving us and walking us through some very, very painful and difficult days. As we watch the world spiral out of control, the song on my heart is "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." God is very real and very much alive and Jesus, as promised, has never left of forsaken us. Thank you, God bless you all, and Maranatha!
Swim, little fish!
Took
Alison swimming today at the Kroc Center. There is NOTHING delicate
about this child. She is just a big girl, not fat, but she's filled out
her bathing suit and doesn't look like a 10 year old. She's mistaken
for 13-14 year olds all the time. And she's not the least bit delicate
about jumping in the pool. No jumping in feet first...no....she BELLY
FLOPS every single stinking time. She's
conquering her fears one by one and today it was time to conquer her
fear of deep water and jumping off the diving board. Which she did.
Only somehow she jumped off the side of the diving board and--I wasn't
in the area to watch--she somehow smacked her face on the cement edge of
the pool and now has a beautiful puffy, red torn up inside upper lip.
Didn't phase her a bit. A little bit of ice and some attention from the
lifeguards and BELLY FLOP! right back into the deep end. She's a fish
in water, totally at home in it. Three story water slide? Bring it on
(in fact, I've done it and it's REALLY fun). Somersaults, flips,
handstands, you name it she'll do it no matter how deep. She loves the
Wibbit, an in-water obstacle course. Ungainly and not ladylike, she
throws herself into it. Nothing stops her.
My girls, they inspire me. They challenge how I think, how I approach life, how I face down my own fears. Katherine is facing something head-on right now, something very painful. I am amazed by her grace and fortitude, her ability to love and forgive and move on. When I want to go ninja on someone, she reminds me this person is already hurting and a prisoner of their own ignorance. Don't you go down that same road, mom. When I see life through my own jaded viewfinder, Alison points out a fact or reality I wasn't seeing and changes my approach. I thought God gave me children to enrich THEIR lives. It's been quite the opposite. Where I differ from my own mother is I try to be teachable and humble enough to recognize when I need to change my view or thoughts on something, instead of hanging onto my pride and arrogance and thinking my way is the ONLY way.
Girls, my precious girls, Katherine and Alison, it is such a privilege to be your mother, to learn from you, to walk with you, to love you, and to be loved by you in return. The lessons I learn and growth I gain are your gifts to me.
My girls, they inspire me. They challenge how I think, how I approach life, how I face down my own fears. Katherine is facing something head-on right now, something very painful. I am amazed by her grace and fortitude, her ability to love and forgive and move on. When I want to go ninja on someone, she reminds me this person is already hurting and a prisoner of their own ignorance. Don't you go down that same road, mom. When I see life through my own jaded viewfinder, Alison points out a fact or reality I wasn't seeing and changes my approach. I thought God gave me children to enrich THEIR lives. It's been quite the opposite. Where I differ from my own mother is I try to be teachable and humble enough to recognize when I need to change my view or thoughts on something, instead of hanging onto my pride and arrogance and thinking my way is the ONLY way.
Girls, my precious girls, Katherine and Alison, it is such a privilege to be your mother, to learn from you, to walk with you, to love you, and to be loved by you in return. The lessons I learn and growth I gain are your gifts to me.
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