I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world...

Ali and Barbie (the doll) have finally clicked and in our living room is a three story doll house, about 20 different dolls from over the years, two cars, and a three-drawer Rubbermaid unit to keep the clothes and accessories in.  This doll has done EVERYTHING in the world.  Even down to Sea World Barbie, who trains dolphins, Pediatrician Barbie, complete with baby scale and baby, and Fashionista Barbie.   However, little has been written about the following Barbies over the years that were introduced and failed miserably.  They are:

Proctologist Barbie:  Failure.  Have you ever seen Ken naked?

Inner-city Welfare Barbie:  Missing some teeth, dyed and ratted hair, bra strap hanging down on her arm, beer can for her hand, the doll comes with a personalized welfare check and five children, each noticeably different from the other; each has a different baby daddy.

Ashram Barbie:  Press a button on her back and she says, “Namaste!”   Bendable in multiple yoga positions, comes with a hemp skirt and tie-dye shirt, hair braided and eye iris’ permanently dilated from too much pot.

Amway Ken:  Attired in jeans and a plaid button down shirt, accompanying bottle of laundry detergent.  Press the button on his back and he cries out:  “It’s not a pyramid scheme!”

Tupperware Barbie:  Suburban outfit of capris and a top, doll comes with a small variety of Tupperware for a direct sales home show.  Lids actually burp.  

NASCAR Barbie:  Bears a strong resemblance to Danica Patrick, complete with permanent scowl and finger outstretched to point the blame on everyone around her.

Presidential Ken doll:  Nattily dressed in a blue double-breasted suit, glasses, right hand fingers clenched and index finger pointing.  Press a button on his back and he utters the following phrases:  “You didn’t build that!”  “Pahkeystahn!” and “Damn flies!”

First Lady Barbie:  Mattel designed her face to look like Dana Carvey’s Church Lady.  Press a button on her back and she admonishes with the following phrases:  “Put those fries down!” “ Eat your peas.“  “I do NOT have a camel toe!”  and “For the first time in my life I’m proud to be a product of Mattel!”  

AARP Barbie:  Comes with a garden hand shovel and fake potted plant, a bottle of Metamucil, and a bottle of hormone replacement pills. 

AARP Ken:   Comes with a folded copy of The Wall Street Journal, reader specs, and a bottle of Viagra.

Menopause Barbie:  Has a permanent grimace on her face, loosely buttoned blouse, wears glasses.  Press a button on her back and the glasses fog up.  

Occupy Protestor Barbie:  Complete with Birkenstocks, camouflage pants, wife beater tank top, braids, backpack, protest sign, megaphone.  Bend her legs and press a button on her back and she craps on Ken’s pink convertible.

Acorn Community Organizer Barbie:   Dressed in sensible flats, a mid-calf cotton brown skirt and plaid blouse, chin-length pageboy hair style.  Press the button on her back and doll says, “Are you registered to vote Democrat?” and “I don’t care if you already voted.  Do it again!”  and “I have six different addresses you can use to register to vote Democrat.”