Rules of the Road

1.  Your boobs are not crumb catchers.  Eating that Taco Bell taco with cheese and lettuce falling in between the ladies really is incredibly appetite killing.

2.  The light turns green, that means go.  It doesn't mean rearranging the items on the passenger seat in a fit of OCD until the light is 10 seconds away from changing to yellow.  Get a move on. 

3.  Every car has a suspension and unless you drive a horse-drawn wagon, I know you can go faster than 1 mph into the parking lot.  Why the hell can you not pull into a parking lot faster than a glacier moving down a mountain?

4.  Parking space lines are not SUGGESTIONS.  Those lines mean "park in between me and that line over THERE".  If you're going to park over a line, then I'm going to park exactly where I'm SUPPOSED TO and I'll take a cell phone picture of your ineptitude so when you write me a nasty note or think you'll teach me a lesson by slamming your car door into mine, I'll have photos of your license plate AND your idea of parking captured on film for the police. 

5.  If you are walking through a crosswalk, it's not mandatory to move like you have a purpose but it is APPRECIATED that you move like you have a purpose in life.  If you want to move like a slug I will pour slug bait on you so I can watch you shrivel up and die in place and then see where that gets you. 

6.  If you want to pull up next to me with your windows down and generously blasting NeYo from the speakers, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness but I'll be thoughtful right back at ya by blasting Rush Limbaugh out MY speakers at equally as loud a volume, if not louder.  Homey can play games with the radio that will leave you wishing you were as creative.

7.  Buckle your kids in.  If you're a visual kind of gal, let's go to the produce department where I'll drop a watermelon from oh, about seven feet off the ground and then we can both stand there and take in the sight of a melon busted to smithereens and imagine that's your child's head on the pavement.  You doosh.

8.  If there is a six foot gap between me and the car in front of me don't you dare try to squeeze in front of me.  I LOVE to screw with people that think they're entitled to because I'm in a big fossil fuel guzzling behemoth and they're in a pussified little electric car.  My cat snores louder than your car.  That's not a car.  That's a cat with an engine.

9.  I have Tourettes.  Really I do.  Drive past me with an Obama sticker on your car, or an SEIU sticker on your car and see which finger of mine suddenly pops up in a fit of Tourettes.  Don't take it personally, though.  I really don't have much control over it. 

10.  If you don't mind me doing a mime interpretation of the entire movie of Steel Magnolias while driving at 65 mph, using both hands, then I don't mind if you finish dressing and commence to applying your makeup at 65 mph, using both of YOUR hands.  Ready......go!