Without any doubt, one of my biggest flaws as a human and a Christian is trusting God. That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Not trusting God? How very HUMAN of me to think that man can do where God can't or won't?
For many, many years, Mike and I made money. A LOT of money. And we spent. A LOT of money. Some prudently, much of it on a whim or on whatever worldly interest passed by our faces. I spent a LOT of money eating out because I was undisciplined and didn't make a grocery list and make meals at home. Basically, I was lazy. And undisciplined. And the two to not mix well together. I grew up with a mother that, every single night after work, would stop by the grocery store for "just a few things". She'd end up hauling home $30-$40 of food every single night. We had no money growing up as a kid and and this was one reason why. After I grew up, I tried to teach her how to plan a weekly menu and she didn't want to hear it and continues to do this today, stop at the store and impulse buy. Sadly, for many years, the bad shopper didn't fall far from the tree and I did the same thing. Thank God for my husband that told me in no uncertain terms to knock it off and now I don't go in without a list in hand, coupon binder with me, and ONLY when I truly need to get food. I plan ahead meals and know what I have on hand and we eat accordingly now. Bad shopping habits are, well, bad, and they come from bad decisions. They make for a train wreck of a woman and a train wreck of a budget. In the end, the only thing that really happened as a result of our spending sprees was Goodwill got a LOT of donations from us as we have pared down things we need to live with and things we don't. It's an interesting journey if you are willing to pack your bags, put your hand in His, and trust Him. TRUST Him.
After Mike lost his job in Central Oregon, residential construction, God began peeling away layer after layer of WORLD from our lives. First was my Durango. Then our house. Then one of his Mopars, a '70 Dodge Dart he had to sell to get a new transmission for the Dodge that carried him and some of our belongings back over the mountains to the er we lost everything in the crash of 2008. In a span of 22 months I would estimate that Goodwill received the equivalent of the LARGEST U-Haul truck packed to the gills with things we'd amassed in fits of "want" and not "need". God continued to peel away our veneer, stripping us of eating out, of buying useless crap. He downsized Mike's salary by sending him back to work in prisons. Pay was definitely dialed down. I assure you, our corrections officers do NOT make what they are worth, not having to walk amongst the worst of the worst with only their fists and their wits, no weapons, to protect them. Even the establishment doesn't protect them. They basically clock in and are thrown to the proverbial wolves and every day they clock out and go home is gravy. Think I'm kidding? I've got stories for you.
Then he took away the income by sending Mike into a chow hall fight in which his right knee took a direct blow with concrete at top speed and over the next year and a half, his career in corrections was irrevocably destroyed, sign this resignation paper on the line, date it, thank you very much, we don't want you anymore. Torn out and discarded like a sheet of notebook paper, to be replaced by another man that would likely stumble upon the same fate down the road. A SAIF hearing and a settlement check later, bills were paid, a freezer stocked, car repairs made, and that's all there was as income for a while, until some kind souls helped us find other avenues that were available to Mike as a result of the settlement with the Department of Corrections. It wasn't much time at all and we were back to money coming in nicely and while I was doing better with the budgeting and not eating out as much, not buying impulse items, not wasting AS MUCH, there was still glaringly obvious room for improvement. I can be hard-headed and I can only assume that there have been times where God has face-palmed himself and wondered if my guardian angel doesn't have Attention Deficit Disorder. I've done better, but doing better isn't DOING THE BEST with the provision He gives us.
This past 12 months, we as a family have seen more than $3,700 a month in income fly right out the door. Now, the only thing we have left is Social Security Disability. I get a few hours here and there at a part-time job, and I've had to work hard to get my calligraphy back up but honestly, I don't want it at the level I worked it for years. It robbed me of precious time with my family and made me an idiot. I identified myself as "a calligrapher" rather than, "I'm Lori, child of God, wife, mom, and friend." To whatever level He allows me to rebuild what was will be solely at His discretion, not mine. Right now, I feel as though God's protecting me from something that is sweeping our nation and He's being very careful to keep me close to Him. My family can't afford to be sued for anything because someone wanted to make me an example of their "rights" over my rights.
Let me tell you something really cool about God: He loves you and knows you INTIMATELY. Not the intimately that the world knows, in the carnal sense, but He made you. He gave you your thought processes and patterns and abilities. He knows exactly what you are capable of. He knows the numbers of hair on your head and knows the number of days of your life. Matthew 6:25 has carried me through many days when I thought He wasn't hearing my cries. Of course He hears your cries, but the Teacher is always quietest during the test. He also does not turn His back on you and let trial and pain come to you without first ALLOWING the enemy to test you. That testing is done so that God can once again be proven mighty and sovereign and be glorified so the enemy can be shown in our eyes for what he truly is: Evil and unwanted. As evidenced in the book of Job, 1:6. Satan has to go before the Throne to petition God allowing him to test you. Satan may be the ruler of this world but he still has to ask God's permission to go to town on you. When you are being tested, I have learned to visualize God on His throne watching me and praying He nods approvingly at how I handle whatever test lies before me.
Something else very cool about God, He is unfailing gentle. He's gentle when He needs to be and firm when He has to be. I am so grateful for that because had He taken away from us everything at once, I honestly don't know that I could have handled that. He gently removed one piece of pie from the pie plate at a time, allowing us to digest and readjust to our new circumstances. Ok, they're doing good, now I'll sneak away another piece of the pie. And another. And another. And finally, I'll leave one piece of the pie and see where their gratitude is at. How they handle that last piece. If they suck it up in one slurp, we're on to the cake, and if they break off bite at a time on that last piece of pie, I'll know we've succeeded. If you know me, I freaking LOVE cake, so you can be sure when he was taking away pie pieces, I was PAYING ATTENTION.
First he took away one source of income and let me tell you, it was Old Testament biblical time of gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair and wearing of sackcloth. From Mike. And all God said was, "Child, you're making this harder on yourself than you have to. Knock it off." So he did.
Then, this past February, he took away another source of income. Another BIG one. Now, you try standing before God and going, "Really? How DO you expect us to live on THIS?", because He will show you. In ways only He can, he eased us into this new life of much less, gently and lovingly. And God loving you as He does, allows you to look back at what you've learned and go, "Way to go, Lori! Atta a girl, pat on the back, knuckle knock and high-five, you did it, girlie!" You're seeing the big plan and letting Him know, "I trust you. Thank you for loving me enough to teach me." After all, that's the reason behind all of this. To teach you. Wisdom. It's HUGE in the Bible. Look it up.
Yesterday, after a week of hanging out over the toilet, I checked out the cupboards and found our kitchen went Mother Hubbard on us. Time to go shopping. With only "x" in the bank. I had to make every penny count. So, I made up a list, made a menu, and headed off to Walmart because I like one stop shopping and Mike needed test strips.
I pulled into the parking lot, shut off the Dodge, and looked at my list. Instead of saying, "Ok, God, let me show you what I'm going to do in here", I said, "Ok, God, show me what you're going to do for me in here. Show me how to be a good steward with what we have because it comes from YOU and I am asking YOU to direct my path."
And direct He did.
I managed to get the food to feed three people for three meals a day, including some great produce and meat, for $75, for the week. We aren't having tri-tips and pot roast and extravagant meals. Our stomachs will be filled, but above all, He showed me how much He loves us by making sure I had what I needed to make it all happen. Just what I need. Now I'm sure that there are extreme couponers out there that would laugh at what I spent but I really don't need 64 bottles of mustard stored in my laundry room so thank you, but no thanks. This wasn't about storing up what I don't need. This was about getting what we needed this week and then letting others know about how He meets those needs. Over the past few years, there have been needs and only by His grace has every single need been met in ways only He can. I continually marvel at the ways He's done that. And not only that, but he's taken a grown adult man that would rather have gnawed his right arm off than accept help from people, and taught this grown adult man how to graciously let others step in and help you and show you His love for you. He has helped us out with the Dodge over this past two years in ways only God can and my once VERY prideful husband has learned to accept help graciously and say a heartfelt, "Thank you, brother," rather than punish his family with pride and refuse all help offered. EVERYTHING is a lesson. Every day. And there is ONLY ONE goal at the end of all of this: To stand before Him that glorious day and hear, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." How I long to hear those words.
I know many of you are hurting with less of income and loss of lifestyle and loss of jobs, but this isn't the end of the world. You have the road map to keep going. It starts by opening the Bible, then getting on your knees, in prayer, asking His direction and leading and provision. And it moves on with your peeling away your "rights" and what you feel you "have to have" in order to live. And it moves further along by taking what is given to you and using it prudently and wisely. Meet your needs, not your wants. There's a HUGE difference between the two. Does this end? Only when you stop breathing. And until then, make your goal to be to stand before him and hear those same words I long to hear. Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
Now, get going. Others are watching you.
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