Before I had kids, friends of mine with kids would tell me how agonizing it was when they'd get the parents to babysit and they'd go out to dinner with their spouse, and all they did was stare at the ice melting in their water glasses and talk about..........the kids.
I can hereby confirm that once I became a parent, yes, you do, in fact, do just that.
Fast forward several years and now I'm the mother of a 24 year old and an almost ten year old. I often say "with age comes wisdom." It's so true and that is the ONE thing I think I love most about getting older. The wisdom I glean from every day life.
Today, my daughter went to a water park with her youth group from church. She has quite an unusual life--she's home schooled. That means we are around each other 24/7. Not only are she and I around each other 24/7, her father is with us 24/7 as well. It does require some getting used to and at times, I can say without hesitation that going to the grocery store is the only time I may find peace and quiet. In the middle of a busy grocery store. There may be a dozen kids screaming for mom, but none of them are mine and I have developed quite the talent for tuning out other people's kids.
Today, the house is quiet. Phineas and Pherb isn't on, no Disney shows are on. Art paper and pens aren't strung all over the living room floor. The television is off, there is no hounding to get on the computer or go swimming, there is no showing me the newest drawing, no telling me about her latest book, no whining about anything. It is quiet. I love my daughters, both of them. Endlessly I love them. But I also deeply appreciate quiet "me" time. Today, after I dropped her off, I came home and relished the quiet. I knew the things I needed to accomplish and I am getting to them one at a time, not rushing through them, but thoughtfully accomplishing what needs accomplishing and tossing out the clutter that jams up my life with busyness. I am getting REALLY good at tossing out the needless and unnecessary. I am thinking complete thoughts, I am enjoying time in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door that she has "to pee like yesterday, c'mon mom, hurry up!" I can put clean clothes on her bed and not hear a huff of exasperation. No indignant comments. But also missing are the hugs and the "I love you so much, mom". You take the good with the bad and put it all on the floor in a pile and you call it life.
So, today, I've cleaned a bit, cleaned out piles of things that needed my attention. I hit a wall earlier this week, shutting off all social media and shutting my own self up from commenting on anything, from watching news, from listening to that horrid man in the People's House say ANYTHING. I have shut it all out. Yesterday, out of the blue, I dropped down on the bed and slept three hours, waking only to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, make the bed with new sheets, catch the season finale of 24, and then I slept for 12 more hours. Obviously I needed the sleep. I feel more rested and clear today than I've felt for a long, long time. I refuse to drain myself dry anymore of energy, clarity, peace. Let the world survive on the "news as it happens" lifestyle. I have too many flowers to stop and smell.
I'm nearing the end of my to-do list, reading the last few magazines I need to get through and discard. I have envelopes needing done, and they'll get done. I have one and a half hours before Ms. Thing will need to be picked up. I hope she's had a fun day, being a kid, laughing, splashing, making friends, just having a good old time. I purposely don't volunteer to help out on any of these events because she needs to be away from mom and dad and just have fun being a kid on her own. It always makes her appreciate time with us so much more and we appreciate being around that much more after she's been away for a while. I am relishing the quiet, the slower pace, the need to just breathe and enjoy some peace. That will all change once she hits the door and has to tell me all about her adventures on the water slide and who said what to whom and where's my cat? as she scoops Gilbert up in her arms to spend some time with him as she winds down.
Today, I have to honestly say I've not thought a lot about her being gone. There's nothing wrong with that. Somehow in our society we have become guilt-ridden if we don't saturate ourselves every single second with our children. We have forced ourselves to forget that at one time we were individuals and had lives and had uninterrupted thoughts and spoke on complete sentences. Then children arrived and we have been told that unless you make them the center of your universe and breathe every cell of them into your lungs you're an awful parent and don't deserve to have them. I have dropped the ball plenty of times as a mom and my daughters know they are loved, but they are not the center of my universe. God is. Then my husband. Then my daughters. Each is important, but at the end of my life, I will not have to stand and give account of my life to either my husband or my daughters. It is God I will answer to. It is God I seek for direction and answers. If I don't have Him at the center, wheel is lopsided and I head in directions I don't want to go.
I am grateful for this day away from Ali and I'm sure she's grateful for the day away from us. There is nothing wrong with that. Quit letting the world tell you that you're the next Hitler if you don't feel guilty about them not being with you 24/7. You are the one your children see as the example-setters in their lives. Show them that they, by themselves, individually, are important. You have to take care of yourself, recharge your battery, fill your soul back up with oxygen and life. You can be nothing to anyone else if you aren't taking care of being something for you. Take care of YOU because few others will.
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