When I grow up I want to be.......

So many times I look at my life and wonder, "Is this what I was meant to do? or "Is this what I was meant to be?"

I never found a bigger or more interesting "calling", I never wanted to graduate high school and blaze trails and be the "top" of my field, whatever field that was.  My desires were simple.  To work, to love, to be loved, and be happy. 

I never wanted to be one of those women with multiple children under age five and two in diapers at the same time and do nothing but talk to little people all day long.  A mother wasn't something I aspired to be, in fact, when I was in my late teens/early 20's I swore up and down I wasn't going to have kids, but when the time came, God peeled back a layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered profound love for two beautiful girls I have been blessed to hear call me "mom".   In the days of gestation, I rubbed my belly and talked to them, telling them both how much I loved them, that I couldn't wait to meet them and be their mommy.  Seeing each one for the first time was breathtaking and I felt like God opened a little window for me to see just a taste of heaven.  I cannot imagine my life without either one and in His infinite wisdom, God did not give me two children close in age, rather they're 14 1/2 years apart.  I have been able to enjoy each girl on her own and though they love one another dearly and deeply, each one has been raised like an only child and that's given me a unique time with both of them, a time to relish watching them grow and learn and become the interesting, captivating, deep, funny, intelligent young lady both of them are. 

I had a learning disability we later on learned was ADD, a condition that is the bane of some people's existences, and a blessing to others.  I can multitask like a boss, but cannot focus for any great length of time on anything.  I was the kid that whose report cards read, "Needs to pay attention in class."  All my life I told myself I was stupid, and as I've aged and gleaned wisdom from age and life, He peeled back another layer of whatever was covering my heart and I discovered I'm REALLY quite intelligent and wise and capable.  I cannot read a book and put anything together without copious amounts of confusion and rereading over and over and then just shelving the book, but I can, with eyes and hands and effort, figure pretty much ANYTHING out and do very well.  I am QUITE smart, I just didn't need academia's approval or the world's approval and a degree to hang on the wall.  I have my own approval and my degree from the University of Hard Knocks is in satisfaction with how I truly am and acceptance of how my brain works.

I never went through my childhood thinking, "When I grow up I want to be a calligrapher."  Unless you were born in the middle ages, I think we all pretty much wanted to grow up to be flight attendants, nurses, doctors, astronauts, writers, teachers, or some other profession that paid well and people looked up to.  I was 26 when a thought dropped into my lap and after a trip to Michaels and the purchase of a book and a pen set, in 13 years and over 1,700 weddings and events and commissioned pieces, I took an old fashioned art form, in Greek, the word kallos graphe literally mean "beautiful writing", and turned it into something that has enabled me to work with clients from the United Kingdom to Hong Kong, clients in every single state in the country, to Michael Jordan's 50th birthday to the Bat Mitzvah of the daughter of the former head of HBO, to countless weddings and birthdays and anniversaries and family gatherings, to the heartfelt words of a father to a daughter, a husband to a wife, a wife to her children, people trust me with words that come from their heart and I put those words to paper, glass, wood, canvas, stethoscopes, envelopes, and every other medium.  I've penned lyrics of songs for a widow that thinks of her husband every time she passes by the picture frame.  I've penned a love letter from a father to his daughter.  I have worked with clients I wished I could adopt or could adopt ME, and I've encountered brides so self-absorbed and shallow I wanted to call their fiances and go, "Pssst!  It's called the Witness Protection Program--let's go!  They can hide you!"  It's crazy, creative, colorful, exhausting, gratifying and horrifying, but it's a life I've been blessed to create with a gift from the giver of gifts, God himself.  I didn't think when I was in Mrs. Storey's Offices Practices class that one day I'd ditch the typewriter and attorneys for ink well and nib and parchment paper, but I wouldn't trade this for the world.

I watched my friends and girls I knew date man after man after man and go out on a seemingly endless string of dates with different guys, and I was always the one that sat home on Saturday nights crocheting afghans with intermittent boys and men placed here and there.  I didn't realize I gave off a vibe that told men to "get lost" but apparently when I found myself at Denver International Airport on September 25, 2001 to see the man that would be my husband for the first time in 20 years, that vibe disappeared and so did my longing for those endless strings of dates as a tentative man I hadn't seen since 1981 walked towards me and I can honestly say I've been loved passionately and deeply and should he go Home before I do, I would be quite content never standing beside another man because I have had the love that all women hope for but sadly, some never find, and it was all in His time, not mine. 

I come from a smallish family that has its idiosyncracies and flaws and as time has marched on, those idiosyncracies and flaws have grown in size and depth and I have had to shut doors on some and some have shut the door on me.  There are times it bothers me, and other times I'm relieved not to have the drama around me, but I have learned to surround myself in my life with those that will love me regardless of whatever I've done in the past or whatever expectation I've not lived up to in someone else's eyes.   I have the family I wish to have, a husband and two beautiful daughters, and a son-in-law, and should God decide to open doors and bring more to the table, that's fine, but I have learned to find contentment among those I do have and love deeply.

I have friends from all of my walks of life and like a garden of flowers, each one is different and beautiful and strong and tender and blooms at times different from others' blooming, but put them all together and when I find myself walking through that garden, I get to enjoy the sweet fragrance of kindness, compassion, talents, abilities, gifts, shortcomings, longcomings, and blessings.  He has shown me how to eliminate the weeds of jealousy and envy that would choke out the beauty and how to nurture and feed the flowers that make my life rich and colorful and beautiful.  Some bloom in the spring, like bulbs, and some bloom in the fall, like dahlias, and some bloom all year long, but each "flower" is precious and special to me and I love the garden He has given me.

When I ask myself, "Is this what I was meant to do? or "Is this what I was meant to be?", I have to honestly answer, "Yes."  To pursue any thing else would be to upset the applecart that God has wheeled into my world.  To pine after something He doesn't intend for me to have would be to unfairly take my appreciation and attention from what He HAS given me, and given to me abundantly and fully.  If we take our eyes off what we think we "want" and focus instead on what we "have" and thank Him from whom all blessings flow, you will probably find you're exactly where He wanted you all along and doing what He wanted you to do all along.  It's your calling.  It's your life.  It's His gift.